I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
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Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Mountain Goat : )
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Owl Sanctuary
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.