I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Reporter: *ports again*
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..