I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass