Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.
Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
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I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The founder of Adidas went by the nickname Adi, because his real name – Adolf – has become rather unpopular.
Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized
Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome
ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310