I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

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Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.


I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.


INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano


ME: No, just with my hands


Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…


So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”


The founder of Adidas went by the nickname Adi, because his real name – Adolf – has become rather unpopular.


Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized

Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t


Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife


FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome

ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310