I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.