I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.