I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Kentucky names the shit out of places
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous