I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

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Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.


Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.


The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80


Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.


9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months


Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”


I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working


[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?


Last night at the bar my buddy got a smoking hot girl’s number…
He tried it three times and said
“She must not be in service”

We didn’t have the heart to tell him…
It was 867-5309