I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.