I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.