@kelllicopter: i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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@rockymomax: [having sex] HER: talk dirty to me ME: I've been wearing the same underwear for weeks HER: no, I mean- ME: I drink my own bath water
@EndhooS: Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD PLS HELP HE'S BEEN DECAPI- ...wait 911: *sigh* did he have - Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
@BeardedRambles: Waiter: Ready to order? Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur? W: ... M: ... W: ... M: Whiskey.
@BooFricketyHoo: I'm on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.