i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Breaking news:
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
The Birdles
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*me flirting
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
this post was so formative to me
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.