I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Based Erika
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory