@mattytalks: I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
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@Darlainky: These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
@dafloydsta: [getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
@Kimpulses: I've been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
@JJSummertime: If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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