@mattytalks

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

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@ShaunRightNow

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

@bingowings14

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

@RobocopLust

A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom

@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@Kateness8

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

@MakesYouGiggle

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

@VerifiedJayy

Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won’t find them officer. Stop looking

@GoddessTitty

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

@fro_vo

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down