I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.


[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.


Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…


A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom


I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.


I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed


Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.


Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won’t find them officer. Stop looking


Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!


Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down