I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
You Might Also Like
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
hey, alexa
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Do one person every day that scares you.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.