I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
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Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
This kid will have a bright future.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁