Boy, are you 40 mg of Adderall? Because without you, I’d really lose my shit. Also boy, are you my car keys? If you were, where would you be, I’m gonna be late
I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.
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OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I’M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
police officer: please step out of the vehicle
me: are u mad at me
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.
Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is