me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Can’t. Being lazy.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’