@_steamy_mac

I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.

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@anniemalistics

Boy, are you 40 mg of Adderall? Because without you, I’d really lose my shit. Also boy, are you my car keys? If you were, where would you be, I’m gonna be late

@AristotlesNZ

OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I’M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.

@Jandalize

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

@Dutch_50

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

@juneohara65

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

@highkeylost

police officer: please step out of the vehicle
me: are u mad at me

@Bob_Janke

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@theroneman

Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
“Bonnie”
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is