I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
That was easy.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.