I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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*launders Kohls cash*
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A leaf blower, but for people.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet