I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*