@HomeWithPeanut

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

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@AdderallMomma

*knocks on donation door

Me: I have a donation
Salvation Army: Ma’am, once again… you cannot donate your man
Me: You have stupid rules!

@hardlyrelevant

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

@panmidwest

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

@mister_blank

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

@RamblingMachine

My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.

@NurseSeymour

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

@AJslackie2

*Lexus dealership*

Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment

Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?

@Mechaniz10

Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.

@toastymoe

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi