I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

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*knocks on donation door

Me: I have a donation
Salvation Army: Ma’am, once again… you cannot donate your man
Me: You have stupid rules!


(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace


I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”


waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.


My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.


Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.


*Lexus dealership*

Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment

Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?


Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.


The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi