@HomeWithPeanut

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

- @HomeWithPeanut

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@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…

@TimFederle

WHAT DO WE WANT?
fewer deadlines!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
see, this is the problem

@DanLaMorte

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

@Reverend_Scott

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

@buhsbaby_baby

Stranger: Ooohh what breed is he?!

Me *rolling my eyes* : He’s a doggie.

@LMFOFL

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.