I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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British websites use biscuits.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Can. I. Help. You.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said