Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
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*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed