I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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rise and shine we got egg
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper