@4SLars

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

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@SnarkyMommy78

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@Parkerlawyer

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

@3sunzzz

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

@TomHerringbone

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

@rebrafsim

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

@junejuly12

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

@Cryptic1iam

Maybe Canadians are nicer because they live closer to Santa.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

@mrjohndarby

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me