I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
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If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Basically.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.