@rickolantern

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

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@heatherjs

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

@sdhintz

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

@ClichedOut

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

@AdamShaftoe

Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

@Crunk_Jews

Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?

@farleftcoast

Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.

@Ms612

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: Are you guys hiring?

911: This is an emergency line.

Me: No shit. Why do you think I’m calling?