I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
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My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.
“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Her: I’d take a bullet for you.
Me: How soon can you do that?
Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Are you guys hiring?
911: This is an emergency line.
Me: No shit. Why do you think I’m calling?