I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The real reason evolution started..😂
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny