@blood_orphan

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

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@PaperWash

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

@dril

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

@13spencer

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

@madcaplaughs30

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

@imchriskelly

Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.

@sfreeze6

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

@KimmyMonte

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?