I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine


that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop


I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”


If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.


Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.


Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.


Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.


{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?