I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
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Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill