I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*frowns in Scottish*
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
New comic up. “Ransom”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?