@HenpeckedHal

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

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@_Enanem_

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@ThisOneSayz

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

@Ixwie

There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.

@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

@thesulk

Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.

@Desert_Musings

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

@AmoNickk

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

@david8hughes

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder