Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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DEATH RACE 2
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder