I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
WWE is French for “yes”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out