I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.