I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
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Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?