I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Ha
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.