[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
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Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.