I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*