I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Order here:
More here:
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross