I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

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Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.


I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT


If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.


Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?



Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine


If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.


Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.


I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.