Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*