Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing