Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!