I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8