You know, gas prices really aren’t that bad when you consider that you’re essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min
I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Sorry I ate your snacks but nothing lasts forever anyway.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!
PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!