@fuzzlime

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

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@TylerActually

You know, gas prices really aren’t that bad when you consider that you’re essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.

@dearjhonletter

hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min

@Sarcasticsapien

I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.

@iamspacegirl

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@andrewdrafts

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

@TheKegKiller

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

@XplodingUnicorn

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

@Mirimade

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!