I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.