I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

You Might Also Like


Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try


Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?


Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.


mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this


wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard


GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude


Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.