I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
sugar glider wrangler
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.