Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
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Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?
Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!