I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

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Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…


I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.


me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings


me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?


Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.

Hate on Americans for not learning English.


My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.


This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.


Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.


(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*


How do you tell someone that you want to set them on fire but like without hurting their feelings