@mydmac

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

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@mrjohndarby

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

@briangaar

Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

@MikeDrucker

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

@CauseWereGuys

“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.