Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Pants are for people with something to hide.
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.
“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.