@mydmac

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

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@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

@Big_Cat74

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@NaaN_Conformist

Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.

Hate on Americans for not learning English.

@daemonic3

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

@TheAlexNevil

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

@Dawn_M_

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

@BlindChow

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

@ThisLocalHater

How do you tell someone that you want to set them on fire but like without hurting their feelings