I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
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my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?