I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing