I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!