I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
🤣🤣
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?