I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

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I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.


[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!


FUN BIT OF TRIVIA…The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.


Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?

Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.

Daughter: Oh like mommy?

Dad: Close enough.


I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?


My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.


me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no


KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine
DAD: hey buddy, why don’t you give the kid a turn


Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer


I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.