I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
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We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Does it…does it take 3 days
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
tis the season
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.