I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out