CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.
I’m dating a girl who owns a broken guitar. No strings attached