TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.