wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
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Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
🦝🔥🦝🔥
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.