Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii