I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
my mind
You just read my mind
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Tastes like chicken.